I can't believe he won't be aroudn when Lucy dies.
When Lucy takes her final breaths. With her prematurely greyed snout, and her mom-given anxieties, and blind eye and her sweet demeanor, and her soft fur and her beautiful coat..
When she snuggles up into a ball, and makes her nest when shes ready... it willnot be the boy who said "you don;t need that puppy, I need that puppy" that will be by her side.
It will be the wife that said, "Lets think about it".
It will be the wife that trained her from 10 weeks old.
It will be the wife that fought for her right to live with us even though she destroyed carpets.
It will be the wife that stood by her during paralysis.
It will be the wife that taught her how to walk again.
It will be the woman that kept her when she couldnt afford $22 daily doggie daycare.
It will be the woman who stands with her in the rain while she refuses to potty.
When this beautiful resiliency teacher dies, it won't be the careless asshole that obtained her. It will be me. Loving her as I have every day for 7 years. And no one will care as much as I do.
When Lucy takes her last breaths in this shitty world, it will be in my arms. Not his. Not ours.
When Lucy leaves this world she wont have her parents' loving arms wrapped around her. No, she'll have to settle for her insufficient mom. WHo did the best she could, but could never do enough.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Theres just no getting over you.
I have to accept that.
I had "loves" before you. Zach. Brock. Pete.
And after each of them, I left. Knowing they'd always have a piece of my heart. That love doesn't diminish, only expands the heart to make room for bigger better love.
With you, it isn't this way.
You're just there. Stuck. like a thorn, deeply inbedded. And nothing and no one else will do.
You're a constant. The baseline for which all emotion, feeling, thought, reaction and living is based on.
This thing happens and its, "What would Chris say to me now?'
"How would Chris react to this happening"
"What advice or lack thereof would he offer me now?"
He's not in my life anymore. But when this person dies, how would he have held me, or held space for me?
Because I remember when that person died, this was how I held him. Held space for him to grieve in whatever way he needed. I held it. Beyond my comfort zone. I held it beyond my own feelings. This person who is important to him died. I am not human, but have learned how to human. Hug him. Do not let him go. Let him know you are there, even if you don't know how to be. Its important. You don't know what you are doing but this is what a loved one does. You hold him fast. And he let you go sooner than you expected.
Hes not in my life anymore, but when our puppy is injured, I want to run to him, and ask, What do we do? What is the right course?
Thats my heart asking. Because I know my brain will always have the answer. Has always had to have the answer, because he was never there. He wasnt there when she was paralyzed. He is not there now when she is having a relapse in mobility.
I have to accept that.
I had "loves" before you. Zach. Brock. Pete.
And after each of them, I left. Knowing they'd always have a piece of my heart. That love doesn't diminish, only expands the heart to make room for bigger better love.
With you, it isn't this way.
You're just there. Stuck. like a thorn, deeply inbedded. And nothing and no one else will do.
You're a constant. The baseline for which all emotion, feeling, thought, reaction and living is based on.
This thing happens and its, "What would Chris say to me now?'
"How would Chris react to this happening"
"What advice or lack thereof would he offer me now?"
He's not in my life anymore. But when this person dies, how would he have held me, or held space for me?
Because I remember when that person died, this was how I held him. Held space for him to grieve in whatever way he needed. I held it. Beyond my comfort zone. I held it beyond my own feelings. This person who is important to him died. I am not human, but have learned how to human. Hug him. Do not let him go. Let him know you are there, even if you don't know how to be. Its important. You don't know what you are doing but this is what a loved one does. You hold him fast. And he let you go sooner than you expected.
Hes not in my life anymore, but when our puppy is injured, I want to run to him, and ask, What do we do? What is the right course?
Thats my heart asking. Because I know my brain will always have the answer. Has always had to have the answer, because he was never there. He wasnt there when she was paralyzed. He is not there now when she is having a relapse in mobility.
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