Day 2 Post "clean" break

I saw a post in my INTJ group where a woman was telling all the bitter people to address their anger towards those who had hurt them, instead of anonymously trolling unsuspecting and innocent folks on the interwebs.  It ended with, "What you allow will continue."

It was profound to me, and I realized I had gotten into a handful of online arguments with strangers, as well as the complete lapse in judgment to post to one of his whore's wall, angry about what she did.  Mostly upset that he defended her and wouldn't respond appropriately to me, I took to her page, knowing her friends would only defend her, and I would look crazy.

So what?  I am supposed to let go of both the fact that I love him and want him in my life AND forgive him for how he's treated me?  Even if I could do that, I have to just love him for no reason.  There's no guarantee he will ever love me. 

I started reading The Purpose Driven Life.  I'm not religious, but found it while cleaning up some clutter in my room.  My mom bought it, and the journal, for me years ago and I don't think they were cheap.  As I laid in my very expensive bedroom set she also bought for me, I was reminded how much money she has put into me and how little gratitude I show her.  It made me think I could find a non-denomination church.

Mercury retrograde is over and I think these past few days I've felt it lifting, releasing its cold grip on my throat and possibly even revealing some clarity in direction.  I read this article, well a lot of articles, about letting go of relationships; but one in particular was about loving from afar.  And even if you can never be together, loving that person by honoring what they need to do as well as loving them by loving and honoring yourself.  Making yourself the best possible version you can be.  So seeking health, and peace.

I knew I wanted to take the dogs on a long walk this morning because they have to come to verizon with me.  So we went on  different route and all the new smells excited them, that they did their thing pretty soon.  I said to them, "Now that we've done our business we can just enjoy our friendly walk."  It instantly struck me.  What if thats all my and my once-husband's marriage was?  We did what we had to together to learn these lessons,  We finished our business now we're supposed to continue on our friendly walk.  Except I can't be friends with him.

I really wish people would stop saying, "Wow. That sucks. Sorry." to every shitty thing that is happening in my life right now.  What in the actual fuck do you think that is accomplishing?  You aren't actually sorry, and the word doesn't mean a fucking thing so don't fucking say that to me.

I really am scared if/when he gets healthy he won't want me anymore.  By then he'll find and marry some bitch who will have his kids.  In my shower cry I keep repeating I want to kill myself.