The musings began far too late

I’ve always put my entire being into the things I care for.  My mom loves to tell me and others when I was a kid and I hugged someone, you could always tell if I really liked them because I would squeeze them and make a little grunt.  As if I was trying to convey how hard I was loving them with sound.  I still do that at 31 years old.

So, in love, and work that I love, I am all in.  Its black or white.  I’ve never done grey. I don’t even know what that is.  The beautiful thing about this is that once you’ve been granted “in” status, there is nothing I won’t do for you.  The dark side of this is that I allow energy sucks to deplete me of energy.  Sometimes, as in teaching yoga, it's entirely worth it.  I put every single cell into teaching a class, creating sequencing to address vocalized issues, or even just what I am looking at in front of me.  I take note of every single body in the studio and my mind is in a constant cycle of thought: where do I want to assist this person, what can I give that student to expand their practice, what is a common denominating theme of the bodies in this room?  I love every. Single. Minute of it.  But I leave every. Single. Class drained.  Doubly, or triply so if I am leading back-to-backs.  I wouldn’t stop teaching if my life depended on it, but I am very aware and understanding of its effect on me.  

This is why I know when I need to sit alone in a quiet room.  This is why I know when I am feeling noise sensitive, I need a time-out. 

It’s unfortunate that those we love can sometimes become these energy sucks as well.  Being an introvert madly in love with an extrovert was never easy.  But again, he was worth it.  Well he was worth it to me back then.  Being a military spouse never came easily to me.  But it was worth it, if I got him a couple months here and there.

Now that things have passed… now that I’ve been divorced from for 9 months (am I having a divorce baby? Gross) … Now that he has literally moved on to another part of the country, and I have {had to} move on to new living situations myself… After all this time and heartache and pain, now?  Now he wants me to move to Kansas.  Just pack up my fucking 3-bedroom townhouse.  Put it all in a truck that costs thousands of dollars- on a yoga teacher’s salary!  Pack the dogs he threw away as harshly as he did me.  Move to the middle of nowhere.  With no job. No family. No friends.  No support.  Just him.  Back to a man that effectively ruined my life. 

At one time he would have been worth that.  When we were married, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth.  And that was the deal.  You marry into the military, you’re moving every few years.  And not to the most glamorous of areas.  Fine.  But his dumbass divorced me.  Not only divorced me, but did so in so ugly, so immature, so insensitive and unhealthy a fashion. 

The juice is no longer worth the squeeze.  And yet I let him into my life, my being, my essence still.  I have enough energy drains without him adding to it.  But I let him.  And when I muster the courage to block him, I too feel depleted.  Deprived of his attentions.  And nothing else satisfies the hunger for it.

I have nothing left to give.

And all the women in me are tired.