I’ve always put my entire being into the things I care
for. My mom loves to tell me and others
when I was a kid and I hugged someone, you could always tell if I really liked
them because I would squeeze them and make a little grunt. As if I was trying to convey how hard I was
loving them with sound. I still do
that at 31 years old.
So, in love, and work that I love, I am all in. Its black or white. I’ve never done grey. I don’t even know what
that is. The beautiful thing about this
is that once you’ve been granted “in” status, there is nothing I won’t do for
you. The dark side of this is that I
allow energy sucks to deplete me of energy.
Sometimes, as in teaching yoga, it's entirely worth it. I put every single cell into teaching a
class, creating sequencing to address vocalized issues, or even just what I am
looking at in front of me. I take note
of every single body in the studio and my mind is in a constant cycle of
thought: where do I want to assist this person, what can I give that student to
expand their practice, what is a common denominating theme of the bodies in
this room? I love every. Single. Minute
of it. But I leave every. Single. Class
drained. Doubly, or triply so if I am
leading back-to-backs. I wouldn’t stop
teaching if my life depended on it, but I am very aware and understanding of
its effect on me.
This is why I know
when I need to sit alone in a quiet room.
This is why I know when I am feeling noise sensitive, I need a
time-out.
It’s unfortunate that those we love can sometimes become these
energy sucks as well. Being an introvert
madly in love with an extrovert was never easy.
But again, he was worth it. Well
he was worth it to me back then. Being a
military spouse never came easily to me.
But it was worth it, if I got him a couple months here and there.
Now that things have passed… now that I’ve been divorced
from for 9 months (am I having a divorce baby? Gross) … Now that he has
literally moved on to another part of the country, and I have {had to} move on
to new living situations myself… After all this time and heartache and pain,
now? Now he wants me to move to
Kansas. Just pack up my fucking 3-bedroom
townhouse. Put it all in a truck that
costs thousands of dollars- on a yoga
teacher’s salary! Pack the dogs he
threw away as harshly as he did me. Move
to the middle of nowhere. With no job.
No family. No friends. No support. Just him. Back to a man that effectively ruined my
life.
At one time he would have been worth that. When we were married, I would have followed
him to the ends of the earth. And that
was the deal. You marry into the
military, you’re moving every few years.
And not to the most glamorous of areas.
Fine. But his dumbass divorced
me. Not only divorced me, but did so in
so ugly, so immature, so insensitive and unhealthy a fashion.
The juice is no longer worth the squeeze. And yet I let him into my life, my being, my
essence still. I have enough energy
drains without him adding to it. But I
let him. And when I muster the courage
to block him, I too feel depleted.
Deprived of his attentions. And
nothing else satisfies the hunger for it.
I have nothing left to give.
And all the women in me are tired.
